Sewing happened!

Tonight, sewing happened!  This is a really big deal, and this is why...

This is my current cross stitch work in progress:

Its a Joan Elliot piece(I love her designs) from the Ultimate Joan Elliot Cross Stitch Collection, by Future Publishing.  I'm making it for my Eldest son.  I started August 2012.  Then I got pregnant,  I had an extremely tough pregnancy, and stopped making any progress. I'd got this far:

As my pregnancy progressed, I got more and more depressed, until I was in a very dark place.  Very dark, and I was admitted to the wonderful specialist mother and baby unit in Welwyn Garden City, and it was here - under caveat that I did my sewing (and therefore the using of scissors and needles) where I could be watched, I started again. I told myself that it was going to be the last thing I did.  I had to finish it so I could commit suicide leaving my little boy something to remember me by.  

The logic is twisted, but when you're depressed, your whole brain is twisted.  there's not enough power to make sensible conclusions.  Strange and terrible ideas seem perfectly rational, like a Christmas stocking being a suitable consolation prize to a little boy for losing his mummy.

But the logic also helped.  I couldn't do anything drastic until I had given birth and finished the sampler.  So once I gave birth, I still had one thing to do before I could end my life.  I wasn't really up to looking after my babies, but I did sit and sew.  and whilst I was sewing, the drugs kicked in.  And as I sewed I thought about my wonderful little boy, and how much I loved in, and slowly my brain started to point due sane again.  Having the project  to finish kept me going long enough that I could get better.

Once the twins were about four weeks old, I was well enough that I could start taking a much larger roll in looking after the babies.  This meant I wasn't getting any sewing time anymore (one baby at a time is hard, two at once is crazy difficult.).  But in that time I had added in all that extra stitching.and gone from suicidally depressed to merely completely miserable.  (which was a vast improvement)

I was discharged a couple of weeks ago, so to have finally squeezed in even a little sewing is a massive relief and a huge step forward in getting my life turned around.  I'm not cured by a long chalk, but hopefully, I'll get this done for Christmas this year, and instead of completion marking the end of my life, it will mark its beginning again.


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